Barcalounge Skipper - A Real Look at Fake Sports

     I make no claim that this examination of science fiction and fantasy sports will be comprehensive, objective, or even, at times, accurate.  I am approaching this project as a cranky, ill-informed sports fan, much like the vast majority of the American sports-viewing public.  I know what I like.  And I know what I dislike: contentious nit-pickers who will ask why I didn't include all the other (much better) sports and games from Star Trek or Star Wars or Stargate or Stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis or Stargate Universe or Stargate Infinity.  What about freaking Dom-Jot? Dom-Jot sucks. Dom-Jot is kind of like bumper pool. I want speed, action, and hopefully violence.  Trust me, my Nerd Fu is strong.
     Each of the five sports under consideration will receive a Science Fiction and Fantasy Sport Score -- the SFFSS.  On a scale from 1 to 10 -- lowest to highest -- each sport will be assessed in three areas:
          -- Playability - Despite the sci-fi/fantasy milieu, would it be possible to play this game in the real world?
          -- Spectacle - Despite risks to property and lives of players and spectators, would it be entertaining?
          -- Originality - Is it too much like existing games, or does it combine existing games in boring ways?
     The highest possible score is, of course, 30 points.  Any sport with a score lower than 15 can be generally written off as unpromising and not worth pursuing as an actual business/entertainment venture.

5th (TIE) - Quidditch/Terrestrial Quidditch (The Harry Potter Universe)

"I will try to kill Dumbledore in Book 6, Potter!"

     The strangest aspect of Quidditch -- if you can get past the whole sorcery and flying thing -- is that the sport allows 11-year-olds to play against 18-year olds.  Forget about magical protections and all -- that's just asking for trouble.  Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT!) did defeat Valdemort in the last book, but he just as easily could have broken his neck in a high speed collision with Slytherin Beater Vincent Crabbe. But then we might never have learned that Dumbledore was gay to the end, even when that end saw him killed by Snape who was a double-agent and loved Harry's mom always and forever.  Anyway, the problem with Quidditch is that you can't play it.  No bloody way.  It makes a great show -- although it always seemed to me that it would hard to see, given that the pitch is almost twice as long as an American Football (tm) field and goes up up up into the sky.  As for originality, I like that there are three balls ("That's what she said, that skanky Lavender Brown!"), but otherwise the sport is an imitation of rugby and lacrosse, with far worse uniforms.

Star of the 2008 USA Muggle Olympic team.

     Now, there are those dedicated Potter fans who play Terrestrial Quidditch -- or Muggle Quidditch, as it is sometimes disparagingly called.  They are organized.  In fact, I believe the first intercollegiate terrestrial quidditch match was held at my own alma mater, Amherst College, against Middlebury.  This detail cancels out the other really cool sports fact about Amherst, that the first intercollegiate baseball game ever was played by the Lord Jeffs against Williams College in 1859.  The score was 73-32, a bit on the high side -- but still: Eat it, Ephs!  At any rate, Muggle Quidditch is fine if you enjoy running.  And I mean running a great deal with, perhaps, a broom stuck between your legs.  I don't know.  I haven't read the rules and don't plan to do so.

   Spectacle: 8 (or 2)
   Playabilty: 1 (or 8)

   Originality: 8 (or 2)

     SFFSS: 17 (or 12)

5th (TIE) - Parrises Squares (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Worf: "If I were wearing other pants, I would kill you where you stand!"

     During the spectacularly uneven first season of ST:TNG, a very silly episode with a very silly title aired: "10101100." For those of us who don't speak binary, unlike the alien race of "Binars" who (SPOILER ALERT!) misguidedly hijack the Enterprise.  Oh, you Binars, you.  You just want to squeeze their little heads until they pop.  A little bit of trivia: the number "10101100" is just as uninteresting in the normal decimal system as it is in binary.  This episode also introduces the sport of Parrises Squares.  It apparently involves ion mallets, as well as knee and elbow pads, which are worn over shiny, tight uniforms. Commander Riker makes fun of his subordinates for the silliness of their uniforms, but the last laugh is on him, of course, because Riker plays the trombone.  He's seen in the episode actually practicing his trombone, as all the business of running the spaceship has left him a little rusty.  Parrises Squares was one of those elements of that was mentioned from time to time -- people were always getting hurt playing it, pulling their own or someone else's groin, that kind of thing. ;But you never saw it played.  It might have made for a good episode, and certainly one that would be better than "10101100." In fact, I wrote a spec script for Star Trek based on Parrises Squares, but it was rejected. Frak you, Lolita Fatjo!

   Spectacle: 8 (or 3, for the Applied Phlebotnium Effect)
   Originality: 8

   Playabilty: 1

     SFFSS: 17

3rd - Triangle (Battlestar Galactica)

Fan art.  Of course.

     So, Season 2, Episode 4 of Battlestar Caprica Buccaneers, who were training at high altitude when the Cylons attacked and killed almost everybody. Apparently, that was why they were spared.  Yeah, right.  It's because (SPOILER ALERT!) Kara had to fall in love with someone.  That and he is really a Cylon. So, in their makeshift resistance camp back on bomb-ravaged Caprica, there's a makeshift Triangle court, and Samuel Anders and Kara "Starbuck" Thrace (who is really a prophet or god or something) play a makeshift, hot, and sweaty match against each other.  Basically, Triangle appears to be very much like basketball, except instead of a 10-foot high hoop, the idea is to chuck a little handball type thingy into a three-sided trashbin.  Thunk.  But if cute people are playing, fans will watch.  "All this has happened before, and all this will happen again."  Sounds like about we are every year two months into the NBA regular season.
   Spectacle: 6

   Originality: 4

   Playabilty: 8

     SFFSS: 22

2nd - Deathball (Futurama)

One day, all sports could be like this.

     I believe in Deathball.  I believe that, in the future, some form of it will be played.  If ABC can develop Wipeout, and CBS can do Survivor, then (SPOILER ALERT!) Deathball can't be far away.  A central turning point in the plot of the Futurama crew's "The Beast With A Billion Backs," the Deathball match is played on a giant Labyrinth board, with team captains high above the action in a control booth attempting to shift the horizontal and vertical orientation of the "playing board" for their respective teams below.  In essence, the game is one continual Indiana Jones sprints-from-the-stone thrill.  By the way, Farnsworth's team beats Wernstrom's.
   Spectacle: 10
   Originality: 9
   Playability: 5
     SFFSS: 24

1st - Rollerball (Rollerball)

Prepare to feel the wrath of Caan.

     Moon Pie may die because the system is rigged, but you cannot escape the unparalleled awesomeness of Rollerball.  In no way am I talking about the John McTiernan's 2002 steaming heap of incomprehensible garbage. I will give that"remake" no further consideration after the end of this sentence.  The 1975 Norman Jewison film is a true science fiction film, a speculation on the influence of corporations in the world, on the bloodlust that lies at the root of some popular entertainment, and on the price people might be willing to name to sell out their principles.  James Caan is cocky, confused, and just a little bit dumb in his portrayal of the great Rollerball jock Jonathan E, and John Houseman is creepy as the evil corporate overlord Bartholomew.
     But the real star of Rollerball is the, er, title sport.  What's not to like? Rollerskates, motorcycles, football helmets, spiked gloves.  The Rollerball itself is basically a cannonball.  The players take drugs for their pain, for energy, for fun.  There are riots in the stands.  The rules are changed in mid-season if things get boring.  People regularly die during matches -- the record being 9.  Nine players dead, that's a baseball team -- perhaps the Chicago Cubs.  Jewison said that, during breaks in the shooting, the stuntmen used to play FOR REAL for the extras sitting in the stands, and nobody got hurt.  Jewison also admitted that, at the time -- and maybe for all time -- he had assembled the greatest group of stuntmen in the history of cinema for the production.  This only contribute to the overall awesomeness of the film: no CGI and very few special effects.  Just pure guts, and a game that Caan and the stuntmen worked out for themselves in the best playground fashion.  Only with motorcycles. And did I mention the spikes?

Less than a gallon of blood, no foul.  Fire is perfectly fine.

     Now, I know that Jewison and the screenwriter William Harrison were trying to make a set of social commentaries (see above) and that's all fine, and much of the creepiness of the fictional future comes from the -- I'll say it -- eerie resemblance that some of it has to our own here in the present.  That's just good science fiction.  But as any satirist can tell you, sometimes, people end up responding in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons that you had intended.  Just ask Dave Chapelle.  Rollerball's message -- don't be bamboozled into accepting whatever bread and circus falls your way -- is more relevant than ever.  But if they started playing matches next year -- from Pittsburgh to Madrid and from Rome to Toyko -- I'd be hard pressed not to line up for season tickets.
   Spectacle: 10
   Originality: 8
   Playability: 10
     SFFSS: 28

Barcalounge Skipper - From Dodgeball to Slugball

As part of a spirit day at the school where I teach, theAthletic Department organized a dodgeball tournament for students and faculty –that is, each grade level, eight through twelve, as well as the faculty had tocome up with teams to play against each other in a three round tournament.  The faculty could organize two teams, ascould the seniors.

As a huge fan of the film Dodgeball and an avid player in my youth, I couldn’t wait to signup, was eager for the tournament to start. The Athletic Director was nice enough to make up some spiffy shirts,inspired quite clearly by the movie.

The faculty team I was on would be facing the 9^thgraders in the first round, boys and girls of about 15 years old.  Lest you worry for their safety, let me saythat, first of all, we do not play dodgeball with the traditional red rubberball.  No we play with a set of smaller,dense foam balls that can be thrown quite hard but don’t have that slapping, resonantimpact of Old Red.  Secondly, most of thefaculty team are in their 30s and 40s, and while many of us could throw quitehard, we presented somewhat larger targets, and slow-footed ones at that.  Those 9^th graders are small andfast, and very good at avoiding things like hurtling foam balls, vocabularyquizzes, and vegetables.  I know this fora fact.  I used to teach them, when Icould catch them.

All this is to say that when the opening whistle blew andthe crowd began to cheer, and I a brave display of charging to midcourt andpicking up several balls, but my first set of throws didn’t work out.  The foam balls had a tendency to rise and cut– like a classic four-seam fastball.  My devastatingfireball throws sailed over my opponents heads. And while I was hanging out in the back dodging with the rest of thelumbering, perspiring teachers, I caught the most glancing of glancingest blowson the foot, and into jail I went.  The 9^thgraders made quick work of us.

The seniors eventually won the tournament in the end.  They always do with these things.

In talking with the Athletic Director the next day, we came aroundto the subject of other playground or street games: stickball, handball,stoopball, kickball, toss up and cream, and so forth.  The AD, who was from Florida, said that hewent to a school once where they played a game called slugball – an indoor variation I’d never heard of, using avolleyball. 

Slugball follows a basic kickball setup with three bases andhome, and a pitcher whose job it is to serve whoever is up at the plate with asuitable ball for slugging.  That is, theplayer up could punch (or slap, or poke) the ball with his hand orforearm.  Outs are made by a forceout atfirst, but teams could “stack” players on base to prevent a forceout at other bases.  If you were tagged by a player holding theball or pegged by a thrown ball between bases, that was also an out. Both theability to control the direction of the “slug”” and the option to not run thebases seem to give the team on offense a much wider range of options than inkickball.

You might check out Streetplay.comor the Wikipedia article for kickballfor all the variations of rules and codes.

I have two questions for readers – so feel free to offersome comments here on the blog:

1)     Have you ever played slugball, or somethingclose to it?

2)     What unique variations of playground games didyou play as a kid?

PNodcast Unscripted - NFL Preview with 32 Teams

In an extended discussion, 32 Teams co-host Heath Kelts talks real football and real fantasy football.  Subscribe to the PNodcast through iTunes.

Barcalounge Skipper - Revenge of the Football Nerds?

Gilbert and Lewis: Our Heroes

The age ofthe nerd is upon us.  Iron Man, The Dark Knight, ScottPilgrim vs. The World, BattlestarGalactica, Glee, Pixar movies, vampiremovies, video games – heck, the entire freakin’ Internet – all of these thingsare evidence of the arrival of the Nerd Age. The Information Age is the Nerd Age in most aspects.  EBay anyone? E-Trade?  B2B? Need I continue?  The real question is, are you 1337 or are you n00b?  And, furthermore, “Areyou ready for some football?”

To quote Wikipedia – another nerd invention,BTW – “nerd is a term that refers to a person who avidly pursues intellectual activities, technical or scientific endeavors, esoteric knowledge, or other obscureinterests, rather than engaging in moresocial or conventional activities.”  Star Wars, Star Trek, and D&D jokesaside, the “obscure knowledge” is a phrase I would take issue with.  In the age of blogs, podcasts, and the globalinformation economy, there is no such thing as obscure knowledge – simply knowledgethat has a very specific market for people who, well, want to go really reallydeeply into a subject.

The best example the explosive growth of the nerd ethos into newand surprising areas is fantasy football. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, The Football Nerd.  Last year, ESPN estimated that each year some27 million people play fantasy football of one sort or another – and one wouldassume that the vast majority of them are US citizens.  This means that some 9 percent of thepopulation of the country is playing, with an average of 9 hours a week spenton watching games, following players and stats, and working out trades and otherplayer transactions within fantasy football leagues.  Perhaps, dear reader, you are alreadylost.  This only proves just how far nerdculture has penetrated into the lives of those of you who, as they say, have areal life.

Keep the Faith: Mint in the box.

I must admit to my own nerd tendencies.  I am 41 years old.  I have a comic book collection tucked away inthe closet.  As I type this, I amsurrounded by several hundred jazz and blues CDs. Nearby sits my 2004commemorative Boston Red Sox World Series Champs Monopoly game and my RedSox-Yankees rivalry chess set.  I haveplayed fantasy baseball for some 12 seasons, although now I belong to onecompetitive league and, aside from draft day, I don’t obsess over it too much.

NERRRRRRDS!

I played fantasy football for one season, and that wasenough.  As fun as it was, and as good agroup of guys as I played with, a seasoned nerd like me simply could not keepup with the serious Football Nerd.  Theymove fast, they hit hard, and they take no prisoners.

Some might say that it’s the ultimate revenge of the nerds.  That specialized, obsessive approach, afterall, is what led to the ultimate triumph of Lewis Skolnick, Gilbert Loweand their pals over the jocks and preps from Alpha-Beta House in thenow-legendary 1984 film.  The profound impact on nerd self-esteem wasdocumented in the 2003 film, American Splendor, based onthe life of the late, great comics nerd Harvey Pekar.  In that film, the character of uber-nerd TobyRadloff, played by comedy nerd JudahFriedlander, speaks to the impact of Revengeof the Nerds.

Toby and Judah: White Castle rocks.

“It's abouta group of nerd college students who are being picked on all the time by thejocks. So they decide to take revenge. . . I consider myself a nerd. And thismovie has uplifted me. There's this one scene, where a nerd grabs themicrophone during a pep rally and announces that he is a nerd and that he isproud of it and stands up for the rights of other nerds.  Then he asks all the kids at the peprally who think they are nerds to come forward, so nearly everybody in theplace does. That's the way the movie ends.”

Nearly everybody in the place. Right on, Toby.

And now we have 27 million Football Nerds gearing up for the NCAAand NFL seasons. There’s an FX comedy series – now in its second season, The League,thatis about a group of guys who play fantasy football.  Oh, the wackiness!  Who watches the show – Football Nerds, or thepeople laughing at the Football Nerds?  Somemen – and most of the players are men, sorry – are okay in their pigskindorkiness and have come out to their families, have given notice that they willbe unavailable on draft day and every Sunday from now until January.  Others, sadly, keep it obscured or secret,like Paul Rudd’s sad character in Knocked Up, a man who isnot cheating on his wife, but is in fact trying to get away for his fantasydraft with his buddies.  “No wives,”shouts one of his friends when Rudd’s wife barges into the draft room.  “No wives!” And that’s just wrong.

So, to return to the original dichotomy of the cinematic classic, Revenge of the Nerds: Who winshere?    Also known as Nerdworld.

Gilbert and Lewis would be proud.

When you’re finished with your little pretend football team, bigguy, why don’t you get off your butt and go shine the yacht?  We nerds will be in the man-cave watching Iron Man on the 60 inch plasma.

Barcalounge Skipper - The Red Sox Are Toast

I'm going to have to admit that it's over.  As a fourth-generation Red Sox fan (no pink hats in this household), now hopeful here in the 21st century after the brutal baseball realities of the Nation in the 20th, I feel comfortable with admitting that the Red Sox are toast.  An ambulance-squad's worth of injuries and good but inconsistent pitching have held them back from the 100 or so wins that it appears will be necessary to earn a playoff spot coming out of the American League East.

Now, the Red Sox might win 90 games this year, as suggested by Baseball Prospectus, a total that might be enough to reach the playoffs in a couple of other divisions in baseball.  But the whizzes at BP also place the Sox chances of making the playoffs at about 6 percent, and it's been dropping quickly.  The Yankees and the Rays are just too good this year.  David Price looks like a Cy Young winner, and if BJ Upton or Carlos Pena heat up at the end of the season, the Rays are going to be fearsome.  The great Carl Crawford, in a contract year, wants a ring -- and then he wants to get paid, baby.

Alex Speier of WEEI has written about the $20 million in salary and the roughly 1000 player/games lost to injuries to the Red Sox this year.  The gap right there would cost you about 10 games.  Say what you will about losing Cameron, Martinez, Buchholz, Beckett, and Varitek here and there, it's the loss of Pedroia and Youkilis -- All-Star caliber players as well as past and likely future MVPs -- that has hurt the most.  Statistics aside, as well, both Petie and Youk are home-grown guys who personify the Red Sox Way -- be a strong and steady all around, hard-nosed player who grinds it out every at bat.  But I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said before.

2011 Closer: Daniel Bard

So where do you go from here? To 2011. I suspect that the Red Sox are about ready to trade Jonathan Papelbon, who likely will go into an arbitration process that will result in a one-year contract for $10 million.  I say, trade Paps early, make Daniel Bard the closer (at $415, 500), and spend the difference on getting some arms from the 40 or so middle relievers hitting the market.  I believe the team will re-sign David Ortiz, but it isn't going to be pretty, and Papi isn't going to get the money or the years he wants.  If Adrian Beltre makes 640 plate appearances this season, the Red Sox option for $10 million kicks in for 2011.  Free agent Victor Martinez may go, but the Sox have Jarrod Saltalamacchia in the fold, and, at 25 years old, he still may be coming into his own.  Presumably, with players healthy and a little money thrown at a fourth outfielder, a catcher, and the bullpen, the Red Sox should have the means to get their win total into the high 90s again.


Here's my lineup card, so to speak, for 2011:
     C - Saltalamacchia
     1B - Youkilis
     2B - Pedroia
     SS - Scutaro
     3B - Beltre
     LF - Ellsbury
     CF - Kalish
     RF - Drew
   Starting Rotation: Lester, Buchholz, Beckett, Lackey, Matsusaka
   Closer: Daniel Bard


Half the team is made up of products of the Red Sox player development.  If it works out that way, I think that's always an encouraging sign.  As for the rest of the season, I'm putting my money on the Rays.