Barcalounge Skipper - Refrain from Qatar

     In a very silly statement, FIFA President Sepp Blatter, has suggested that gay folk attending the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, "should refrain from any sexual activities."  Setting aside the matter that Qatar gave women the right to vote in just 1999, that alcohol consumption is largely forbidden, it remains very clearly on the books that "sodomy" (unnatural sex acts) between consenting adults is illegal in the country, and punishable by up to five years in prison.  Without knowing too much about Qatar, however, I would hate to indulge in the sort of speculation that fans the flames of anti-Islamic sentiment. One would imagine that, in practice, those with the money and prestige to travel to watch the World Cup would be largely free to eat, drink, and be merry in whatever manner they please -- provided they do it in the social "free trade zones" of tourist hotels and other venues.
     No, my beef is with Sepp Blatter, who, although he might think what he thinks about gays and lesbians, should have kept his mouth shut -- even if it ran the risk of offending the Qatar monarchy. Although Blatter naively insists that by 2022, discrimination will not be an issue, I am more skeptical.  If we can skip right over the bigoted jokes about soccer being gay, or this or that team as being gay, or this or that player as being gay, those of us who are secure in our straightness will understand that, for most of the secular free world, if you are marketing anything, you should generally market to as many people as possible.  If I have the money, I'm not sure I'd be going to the 2022 World Cup.  Maybe I'd give my money to one of my gay friends or relatives, so they could travel there just to have sex in the privacy of a Qatar hotel room.
     Then again, maybe most people at the World Cup just want to watch some soccer.  At $150 a ticket, before travel, food, and lodging expenses, I'd certainly much rather be thinking about soccer than about people I don't know having sex in a way that doesn't interest me.
     The real story here isn't about sex and sexuality, or the more broad problem of alcohol consumption in a "dry" nation -- it's about having a modern, secular, global event in a nation that wants to be modern, secular, and global only as a matter of status, but the rest of the time prefers for most of its day-to-day workings to be antiquated, doctrinaire, and provincial.  Sepp Blatter has had a long and mixed tenure as the head of FIFA, and this seems to be another sign that it's time for him to leave.  And before it's too late, let's find another place to host the World Cup in 2022.  How about the Netherlands?

Barcalounge Skipper - San Francisco Giants Win

I realize I'm not breaking any news here.  What a great MLB postseason for pitching and for smaller-market teams with modest budgets, low ego-factors, and genuine team spirit.  I am completely contented that almost all of my playoff picks were incorrect.  I now know what it means to "Fear the Beard."

Barcalounge Skipper - The Rebel Black Bears of the University of Mississippi

I'm a bear.  I'm black.  I'm a rebel.  Grrr.  Please help me.

     I'm not sure there was any way for the University of Mississippi to find its way out of this historical mess.  On Friday, in announcing its new athletics mascot, the Rebel Black Bear, the university has made an awkward step forward from an even more awkward past.

     Now, before some of you start getting riled up about a Northerner (I'm from Maine, originally) offering his opinions on what is essentially a Southern matter, allow me to offer some credentials.  I spent a summer at both Southern Miss and the University studying nothing but William Faulkner.  I have eaten barbecue, fried catfish, fried dill pickles, hush puppies, Delta tamales, and I have drunk moonshine purchased out of the trunk of a 1982 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. I have gotten up in the morning and hit Highway 49.  My wife and her family are all from places in Mississippi named Duck Hill and Coffeeville and Itta Benna.  We spend a good hunk of time in Mississippi every year. In the tradition of the region, both my sons bear the obscure names of long vanished ancestors, a fact will be proud one day to explain to little Thomas Evan Sutpen Faulkner Sutpen Compson Sutpen Quentin Hayes and his older brother Ingram Compson Compson McCaslin Snopes Sutpen Coltrane Thomas Hayes.  My nephew attends the University.  I know a little about The Magnolia State.  For instance, its nickname is The Magnolia State.

Boys, go win one for the Colonel!

     If it wasn't problematic enough, given that the final stages of the Civil Rights Movement happened over fifty years ago, and given that the University itself was a site of one of the worst incidents of resistance for the Old South, the school held on to its previous mascot, Colonel Reb, until 2003. Let me repeat that: Until 2003.  When I looked through the 2010 football roster, I saw a majority of African American players listed, and I'm sure the phenotypical makeup of the team in 2003 was much the same.  The ironies astound me.  Then again, maybe they don't.  If you've read the Battle Royale scenes in Richard Wright or Raplh Ellison, you'll follow my drift. Sometimes, a gentleman lets others do his dirty work for him.  Dirty work, indeed.

    Then there's the matter of the school's nickname, Ole Miss.  Yankees like myself seemed to think that it's a corn-pone version of "Old Mississippi."  But I've had it explained to me that Ole Miss is actually a bit of an inside joke, running along these lines.  Slaves on the plantation used to refer to the white patriarch of the homestead as "Ole Massa," and his wife as "Ole Miss."  So, rather than use the Latin expression for the college you attended, alma mater ("nourishing mother"), students and graduates referred to the University as Ole Miss.  Because, you know, studying was really hard, as hard as it was for slaves on the plantation.  It's a sort of blackface in word-play.  And we all know word play is funny, especially in reference to 300 years of brutalization, economic exploitation, and dispossession.

     Which brings us back to the Rebel Black Bears.  Apparently, there are such bears in Mississippi.  There are also such bears in Maine (I've seen them).  Interestingly enough, the mascot of the University of Maine -- since 1914 or so, is a black bear.  He goes by the name of Bananas.  For me, the lack of originality from Ole Miss is a strike against them.  And, as a native Mainer, I'm offended.  Get your own damn mascot.  Keep your hands of my Bananas!

     Speaking of bananas, there is also the matter of William Faulkner, of course, whose famous story "The Bear," is read and not enjoyed by thousands of high school and college students every year.  The problem here is that, in part, "The Bear" is the centerpiece of a collection entitled Go Down, Moses, in which the main character, Ike McCaslin, in addition to hunting bear, discovers that somewhere in his past there might just be a dash of incest and miscegenation.  Strike two on the sensitivity count, Ole Miss.  That's why you don't read the Cliffs Notes.

     Now, the Rebel Black Bear is, well, black.  So doesn't that count for something?  Yes, but he's also a rebel bear, so, by some sort of adjective algebra, the rebellion and the blackness kind of cancel each other out.  More clumsiness, and that's strike three.  The Rebel Black Bear can come tailgate in his Grove attire, but nobody's going to talk to him.  He's a walking semiotic Frankenstein monster.  Hang your head, Mr. Rebel Black Bear Guy, and get yourself another branch and bourbon.

"I'll take the over on 'Bama!"

     There had been a movement on campus to name as the new mascot none other star Admiral Akbar of Return of the Jedi (Internet meme: "It's a trap!), but last month Lucasfilm declined to release the rights, no matter how much comeback sauce they were paid.  George Lucas has had his own issues with faintly racist characterizations in some of his films (Jar Jar Binks, among others), so this was probably a wise move on both sides. "Count meesa outta dis one!"

Barcalounge Skipper - 2010 MLB Playoffs - League Championship Series

     Here were my picks for teams advancing all the way through the MLB postseason in the first round, the Division Championship Series.

Reds-Phillies - My pick: Phillies in 4.  Actual result: Phillies in 3.
Braves-Giants - My pick: Giants in 5. Actual result: Giants in 4.
Yankees-Twins - My pick: Yankees in 5. Actual result: Yankees in 3.
Rangers-Rays - My pick: Rays in 4. Actual Result: Rangers in 5.

     Watching last night's Rangers-Rays matchup, it was clear that Texas was prepared to take it to Tampa Bay almost from the first pitch, with Elvis Andrus scoring from second base on a quirky groundout to first base.  Texas scored two more runs on plays where the Rays -- particularly catcher Kelly Shoppach -- were caught flat footed.    Shoppach was booed ferociously by the Trop crowd when, with a runner on second, he popped out to short center in the bottom of the seventh.  All in all, the Rangers just went out and took the game -- and the series.  And Cliff Lee is scary good when he's on his game.

     My predictions worked out pretty well for the most part -- three out of four series.  I learned that the Phillies might just hop on Roy Halladay's back and ride all the way to the championship.  Doc pitched a perfect game in the regular season and only the second no-hitter in the postseason.  I don't think the Giants are going to derail that train.  As for the American League, with the unfocused Rays and the spooked Twins out of the running, it appears that the Yankees and the Rangers are pretty well matched.  If CJ Wilson and Cliff Lee keep pitching the way they have, and, more importantly, if Josh Hamilton finds his groove, I think the Rangers can give the Yankees a run for the money.  But there's no do-overs in the prognostication business, so I'm still going with the Phillies all the way to the ring.

Barcalounge Skipper - 2010 MLB Playoffs

You might not have been wondering where my weekend sports commentary has been, but I've been waiting for the baseball playoffs picture to clear up -- and it was a great ending to the regular season without those pesky one-game playoffs. ("You mean we played 162 games and we're still not clear about who's better?")  So, even though I'll probably be wrong on most counts, here are my best guesses as to who will advance and who won't in the 2010 MLB postseason.


National League Playoffs

Reds (91-71) versus Phillies (97-65)
     The Phillies have three aces at the top of the staff -- Halliday, Oswalt, and Hamels -- and have managed to earn the best record in baseball despite injuries and below-average years from most of their players.  Given the strong pitching and the always likely regression toward the mean, the Phils are the smart pick here.  Then again, with sure-thing NL MVP Joey Votto steady and productive, it could be that a brilliant postseason from just one pitcher (Edinson Volquez) and one hitter (Jay Bruce) knocks out the favorite.  But I don't think so. Phillies in four.

Braves (91-71) versus Giants (92-70)
     The Braves would be the sentimental favorite to go deep into the playoffs, given that Bobby Cox (2503 wins, 5 pennants, 1 championship) is in his final season.  But after Tim Hudson, I don't see any other pitcher who matches up with the Giants' big three of Lincecum, Cain, and Jonathan Sanchez.  Neither team has particularly strong offenses, so if you like pitching a defense, this is the series to watch.  Giants in five.


NLDS
     The Phillies have the pitching to meet the Giants' arms, and there's no comparison between the hitting of these teams.  Unless Lincecum and Cain suddenly turn into the second coming of Koufax and Drysdale, I have to pick the Phillies in six.

American League Playoffs

Rangers (90-71) versus Rays (95-66)
     This matchup is the hardest to figure out, as the Rays appear to have much more consistent pitching, and the Rangers have a fearsome offensive lineup, led by my choice (not that anybody's asking) for AL MVP, Josh Hamilton.  Aces David Price for the Rays and Cliff Lee for the Rangers cancel each other out, so I think the Rays slim edge in the rotation picks up that third win they need somewhere along the way.  Also, BJ Ryan has finally started to come out of his season-long snooze, and there's no way Carlos Pena doesn't do a little bit more damage in the playoffs than he has been doing all year.  Rays in four.

Yankees (95-67) versus Twins (94-68)
     Although the Yankees have been a little wobbly in the last few weeks, I am mindful that they play in the ruthless American League East, and they are, as ever, stocked with veterans who have done it before, and so forth.  I like CC Sabathia for two wins in a short series, and I don't see the Twins starters handling the Yankees hitters as well as the Yankees entire staff handling the Twins' bats.  I say it goes to the Yankees in five, with a memorably cold and rainy clincher played deep into in the Minnesota night.

ALCS
     If the Rays can make it past the Rangers, then I'm going to take them over the Yankees.  Joe Maddon will figure out a way to beat the Yankees, and Carl Crawford will, of course, be auditioning for a job with the very team he'll be playing against. Rays in six.


World Series
     So we'll have a rematch of the 2008 World Series, and this time around it will be a much better contest than the last time the Rays and Phillies met to settle the championship, when the Phillies won Game 5 over two nights, due to a suspension of the game due to inclement weather.  This time around, the Rays players will be ready to go, with better pitching -- including David Price, who will outpitch everyone -- but it won't be enough.  Winning their second World Series in three years, it'll be the Phillies in seven.

Barcalounge Skipper - A Real Look at Fake Sports

     I make no claim that this examination of science fiction and fantasy sports will be comprehensive, objective, or even, at times, accurate.  I am approaching this project as a cranky, ill-informed sports fan, much like the vast majority of the American sports-viewing public.  I know what I like.  And I know what I dislike: contentious nit-pickers who will ask why I didn't include all the other (much better) sports and games from Star Trek or Star Wars or Stargate or Stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis or Stargate Universe or Stargate Infinity.  What about freaking Dom-Jot? Dom-Jot sucks. Dom-Jot is kind of like bumper pool. I want speed, action, and hopefully violence.  Trust me, my Nerd Fu is strong.
     Each of the five sports under consideration will receive a Science Fiction and Fantasy Sport Score -- the SFFSS.  On a scale from 1 to 10 -- lowest to highest -- each sport will be assessed in three areas:
          -- Playability - Despite the sci-fi/fantasy milieu, would it be possible to play this game in the real world?
          -- Spectacle - Despite risks to property and lives of players and spectators, would it be entertaining?
          -- Originality - Is it too much like existing games, or does it combine existing games in boring ways?
     The highest possible score is, of course, 30 points.  Any sport with a score lower than 15 can be generally written off as unpromising and not worth pursuing as an actual business/entertainment venture.

5th (TIE) - Quidditch/Terrestrial Quidditch (The Harry Potter Universe)

"I will try to kill Dumbledore in Book 6, Potter!"

     The strangest aspect of Quidditch -- if you can get past the whole sorcery and flying thing -- is that the sport allows 11-year-olds to play against 18-year olds.  Forget about magical protections and all -- that's just asking for trouble.  Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT!) did defeat Valdemort in the last book, but he just as easily could have broken his neck in a high speed collision with Slytherin Beater Vincent Crabbe. But then we might never have learned that Dumbledore was gay to the end, even when that end saw him killed by Snape who was a double-agent and loved Harry's mom always and forever.  Anyway, the problem with Quidditch is that you can't play it.  No bloody way.  It makes a great show -- although it always seemed to me that it would hard to see, given that the pitch is almost twice as long as an American Football (tm) field and goes up up up into the sky.  As for originality, I like that there are three balls ("That's what she said, that skanky Lavender Brown!"), but otherwise the sport is an imitation of rugby and lacrosse, with far worse uniforms.

Star of the 2008 USA Muggle Olympic team.

     Now, there are those dedicated Potter fans who play Terrestrial Quidditch -- or Muggle Quidditch, as it is sometimes disparagingly called.  They are organized.  In fact, I believe the first intercollegiate terrestrial quidditch match was held at my own alma mater, Amherst College, against Middlebury.  This detail cancels out the other really cool sports fact about Amherst, that the first intercollegiate baseball game ever was played by the Lord Jeffs against Williams College in 1859.  The score was 73-32, a bit on the high side -- but still: Eat it, Ephs!  At any rate, Muggle Quidditch is fine if you enjoy running.  And I mean running a great deal with, perhaps, a broom stuck between your legs.  I don't know.  I haven't read the rules and don't plan to do so.

   Spectacle: 8 (or 2)
   Playabilty: 1 (or 8)

   Originality: 8 (or 2)

     SFFSS: 17 (or 12)

5th (TIE) - Parrises Squares (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Worf: "If I were wearing other pants, I would kill you where you stand!"

     During the spectacularly uneven first season of ST:TNG, a very silly episode with a very silly title aired: "10101100." For those of us who don't speak binary, unlike the alien race of "Binars" who (SPOILER ALERT!) misguidedly hijack the Enterprise.  Oh, you Binars, you.  You just want to squeeze their little heads until they pop.  A little bit of trivia: the number "10101100" is just as uninteresting in the normal decimal system as it is in binary.  This episode also introduces the sport of Parrises Squares.  It apparently involves ion mallets, as well as knee and elbow pads, which are worn over shiny, tight uniforms. Commander Riker makes fun of his subordinates for the silliness of their uniforms, but the last laugh is on him, of course, because Riker plays the trombone.  He's seen in the episode actually practicing his trombone, as all the business of running the spaceship has left him a little rusty.  Parrises Squares was one of those elements of that was mentioned from time to time -- people were always getting hurt playing it, pulling their own or someone else's groin, that kind of thing. ;But you never saw it played.  It might have made for a good episode, and certainly one that would be better than "10101100." In fact, I wrote a spec script for Star Trek based on Parrises Squares, but it was rejected. Frak you, Lolita Fatjo!

   Spectacle: 8 (or 3, for the Applied Phlebotnium Effect)
   Originality: 8

   Playabilty: 1

     SFFSS: 17

3rd - Triangle (Battlestar Galactica)

Fan art.  Of course.

     So, Season 2, Episode 4 of Battlestar Caprica Buccaneers, who were training at high altitude when the Cylons attacked and killed almost everybody. Apparently, that was why they were spared.  Yeah, right.  It's because (SPOILER ALERT!) Kara had to fall in love with someone.  That and he is really a Cylon. So, in their makeshift resistance camp back on bomb-ravaged Caprica, there's a makeshift Triangle court, and Samuel Anders and Kara "Starbuck" Thrace (who is really a prophet or god or something) play a makeshift, hot, and sweaty match against each other.  Basically, Triangle appears to be very much like basketball, except instead of a 10-foot high hoop, the idea is to chuck a little handball type thingy into a three-sided trashbin.  Thunk.  But if cute people are playing, fans will watch.  "All this has happened before, and all this will happen again."  Sounds like about we are every year two months into the NBA regular season.
   Spectacle: 6

   Originality: 4

   Playabilty: 8

     SFFSS: 22

2nd - Deathball (Futurama)

One day, all sports could be like this.

     I believe in Deathball.  I believe that, in the future, some form of it will be played.  If ABC can develop Wipeout, and CBS can do Survivor, then (SPOILER ALERT!) Deathball can't be far away.  A central turning point in the plot of the Futurama crew's "The Beast With A Billion Backs," the Deathball match is played on a giant Labyrinth board, with team captains high above the action in a control booth attempting to shift the horizontal and vertical orientation of the "playing board" for their respective teams below.  In essence, the game is one continual Indiana Jones sprints-from-the-stone thrill.  By the way, Farnsworth's team beats Wernstrom's.
   Spectacle: 10
   Originality: 9
   Playability: 5
     SFFSS: 24

1st - Rollerball (Rollerball)

Prepare to feel the wrath of Caan.

     Moon Pie may die because the system is rigged, but you cannot escape the unparalleled awesomeness of Rollerball.  In no way am I talking about the John McTiernan's 2002 steaming heap of incomprehensible garbage. I will give that"remake" no further consideration after the end of this sentence.  The 1975 Norman Jewison film is a true science fiction film, a speculation on the influence of corporations in the world, on the bloodlust that lies at the root of some popular entertainment, and on the price people might be willing to name to sell out their principles.  James Caan is cocky, confused, and just a little bit dumb in his portrayal of the great Rollerball jock Jonathan E, and John Houseman is creepy as the evil corporate overlord Bartholomew.
     But the real star of Rollerball is the, er, title sport.  What's not to like? Rollerskates, motorcycles, football helmets, spiked gloves.  The Rollerball itself is basically a cannonball.  The players take drugs for their pain, for energy, for fun.  There are riots in the stands.  The rules are changed in mid-season if things get boring.  People regularly die during matches -- the record being 9.  Nine players dead, that's a baseball team -- perhaps the Chicago Cubs.  Jewison said that, during breaks in the shooting, the stuntmen used to play FOR REAL for the extras sitting in the stands, and nobody got hurt.  Jewison also admitted that, at the time -- and maybe for all time -- he had assembled the greatest group of stuntmen in the history of cinema for the production.  This only contribute to the overall awesomeness of the film: no CGI and very few special effects.  Just pure guts, and a game that Caan and the stuntmen worked out for themselves in the best playground fashion.  Only with motorcycles. And did I mention the spikes?

Less than a gallon of blood, no foul.  Fire is perfectly fine.

     Now, I know that Jewison and the screenwriter William Harrison were trying to make a set of social commentaries (see above) and that's all fine, and much of the creepiness of the fictional future comes from the -- I'll say it -- eerie resemblance that some of it has to our own here in the present.  That's just good science fiction.  But as any satirist can tell you, sometimes, people end up responding in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons that you had intended.  Just ask Dave Chapelle.  Rollerball's message -- don't be bamboozled into accepting whatever bread and circus falls your way -- is more relevant than ever.  But if they started playing matches next year -- from Pittsburgh to Madrid and from Rome to Toyko -- I'd be hard pressed not to line up for season tickets.
   Spectacle: 10
   Originality: 8
   Playability: 10
     SFFSS: 28

Barcalounge Skipper - From Dodgeball to Slugball

As part of a spirit day at the school where I teach, theAthletic Department organized a dodgeball tournament for students and faculty –that is, each grade level, eight through twelve, as well as the faculty had tocome up with teams to play against each other in a three round tournament.  The faculty could organize two teams, ascould the seniors.

As a huge fan of the film Dodgeball and an avid player in my youth, I couldn’t wait to signup, was eager for the tournament to start. The Athletic Director was nice enough to make up some spiffy shirts,inspired quite clearly by the movie.

The faculty team I was on would be facing the 9^thgraders in the first round, boys and girls of about 15 years old.  Lest you worry for their safety, let me saythat, first of all, we do not play dodgeball with the traditional red rubberball.  No we play with a set of smaller,dense foam balls that can be thrown quite hard but don’t have that slapping, resonantimpact of Old Red.  Secondly, most of thefaculty team are in their 30s and 40s, and while many of us could throw quitehard, we presented somewhat larger targets, and slow-footed ones at that.  Those 9^th graders are small andfast, and very good at avoiding things like hurtling foam balls, vocabularyquizzes, and vegetables.  I know this fora fact.  I used to teach them, when Icould catch them.

All this is to say that when the opening whistle blew andthe crowd began to cheer, and I a brave display of charging to midcourt andpicking up several balls, but my first set of throws didn’t work out.  The foam balls had a tendency to rise and cut– like a classic four-seam fastball.  My devastatingfireball throws sailed over my opponents heads. And while I was hanging out in the back dodging with the rest of thelumbering, perspiring teachers, I caught the most glancing of glancingest blowson the foot, and into jail I went.  The 9^thgraders made quick work of us.

The seniors eventually won the tournament in the end.  They always do with these things.

In talking with the Athletic Director the next day, we came aroundto the subject of other playground or street games: stickball, handball,stoopball, kickball, toss up and cream, and so forth.  The AD, who was from Florida, said that hewent to a school once where they played a game called slugball – an indoor variation I’d never heard of, using avolleyball. 

Slugball follows a basic kickball setup with three bases andhome, and a pitcher whose job it is to serve whoever is up at the plate with asuitable ball for slugging.  That is, theplayer up could punch (or slap, or poke) the ball with his hand orforearm.  Outs are made by a forceout atfirst, but teams could “stack” players on base to prevent a forceout at other bases.  If you were tagged by a player holding theball or pegged by a thrown ball between bases, that was also an out. Both theability to control the direction of the “slug”” and the option to not run thebases seem to give the team on offense a much wider range of options than inkickball.

You might check out Streetplay.comor the Wikipedia article for kickballfor all the variations of rules and codes.

I have two questions for readers – so feel free to offersome comments here on the blog:

1)     Have you ever played slugball, or somethingclose to it?

2)     What unique variations of playground games didyou play as a kid?

PNodcast Unscripted - NFL Preview with 32 Teams

In an extended discussion, 32 Teams co-host Heath Kelts talks real football and real fantasy football.  Subscribe to the PNodcast through iTunes.

Barcalounge Skipper - Revenge of the Football Nerds?

Gilbert and Lewis: Our Heroes

The age ofthe nerd is upon us.  Iron Man, The Dark Knight, ScottPilgrim vs. The World, BattlestarGalactica, Glee, Pixar movies, vampiremovies, video games – heck, the entire freakin’ Internet – all of these thingsare evidence of the arrival of the Nerd Age. The Information Age is the Nerd Age in most aspects.  EBay anyone? E-Trade?  B2B? Need I continue?  The real question is, are you 1337 or are you n00b?  And, furthermore, “Areyou ready for some football?”

To quote Wikipedia – another nerd invention,BTW – “nerd is a term that refers to a person who avidly pursues intellectual activities, technical or scientific endeavors, esoteric knowledge, or other obscureinterests, rather than engaging in moresocial or conventional activities.”  Star Wars, Star Trek, and D&D jokesaside, the “obscure knowledge” is a phrase I would take issue with.  In the age of blogs, podcasts, and the globalinformation economy, there is no such thing as obscure knowledge – simply knowledgethat has a very specific market for people who, well, want to go really reallydeeply into a subject.

The best example the explosive growth of the nerd ethos into newand surprising areas is fantasy football. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, The Football Nerd.  Last year, ESPN estimated that each year some27 million people play fantasy football of one sort or another – and one wouldassume that the vast majority of them are US citizens.  This means that some 9 percent of thepopulation of the country is playing, with an average of 9 hours a week spenton watching games, following players and stats, and working out trades and otherplayer transactions within fantasy football leagues.  Perhaps, dear reader, you are alreadylost.  This only proves just how far nerdculture has penetrated into the lives of those of you who, as they say, have areal life.

Keep the Faith: Mint in the box.

I must admit to my own nerd tendencies.  I am 41 years old.  I have a comic book collection tucked away inthe closet.  As I type this, I amsurrounded by several hundred jazz and blues CDs. Nearby sits my 2004commemorative Boston Red Sox World Series Champs Monopoly game and my RedSox-Yankees rivalry chess set.  I haveplayed fantasy baseball for some 12 seasons, although now I belong to onecompetitive league and, aside from draft day, I don’t obsess over it too much.

NERRRRRRDS!

I played fantasy football for one season, and that wasenough.  As fun as it was, and as good agroup of guys as I played with, a seasoned nerd like me simply could not keepup with the serious Football Nerd.  Theymove fast, they hit hard, and they take no prisoners.

Some might say that it’s the ultimate revenge of the nerds.  That specialized, obsessive approach, afterall, is what led to the ultimate triumph of Lewis Skolnick, Gilbert Loweand their pals over the jocks and preps from Alpha-Beta House in thenow-legendary 1984 film.  The profound impact on nerd self-esteem wasdocumented in the 2003 film, American Splendor, based onthe life of the late, great comics nerd Harvey Pekar.  In that film, the character of uber-nerd TobyRadloff, played by comedy nerd JudahFriedlander, speaks to the impact of Revengeof the Nerds.

Toby and Judah: White Castle rocks.

“It's abouta group of nerd college students who are being picked on all the time by thejocks. So they decide to take revenge. . . I consider myself a nerd. And thismovie has uplifted me. There's this one scene, where a nerd grabs themicrophone during a pep rally and announces that he is a nerd and that he isproud of it and stands up for the rights of other nerds.  Then he asks all the kids at the peprally who think they are nerds to come forward, so nearly everybody in theplace does. That's the way the movie ends.”

Nearly everybody in the place. Right on, Toby.

And now we have 27 million Football Nerds gearing up for the NCAAand NFL seasons. There’s an FX comedy series – now in its second season, The League,thatis about a group of guys who play fantasy football.  Oh, the wackiness!  Who watches the show – Football Nerds, or thepeople laughing at the Football Nerds?  Somemen – and most of the players are men, sorry – are okay in their pigskindorkiness and have come out to their families, have given notice that they willbe unavailable on draft day and every Sunday from now until January.  Others, sadly, keep it obscured or secret,like Paul Rudd’s sad character in Knocked Up, a man who isnot cheating on his wife, but is in fact trying to get away for his fantasydraft with his buddies.  “No wives,”shouts one of his friends when Rudd’s wife barges into the draft room.  “No wives!” And that’s just wrong.

So, to return to the original dichotomy of the cinematic classic, Revenge of the Nerds: Who winshere?    Also known as Nerdworld.

Gilbert and Lewis would be proud.

When you’re finished with your little pretend football team, bigguy, why don’t you get off your butt and go shine the yacht?  We nerds will be in the man-cave watching Iron Man on the 60 inch plasma.

Barcalounge Skipper - The Red Sox Are Toast

I'm going to have to admit that it's over.  As a fourth-generation Red Sox fan (no pink hats in this household), now hopeful here in the 21st century after the brutal baseball realities of the Nation in the 20th, I feel comfortable with admitting that the Red Sox are toast.  An ambulance-squad's worth of injuries and good but inconsistent pitching have held them back from the 100 or so wins that it appears will be necessary to earn a playoff spot coming out of the American League East.

Now, the Red Sox might win 90 games this year, as suggested by Baseball Prospectus, a total that might be enough to reach the playoffs in a couple of other divisions in baseball.  But the whizzes at BP also place the Sox chances of making the playoffs at about 6 percent, and it's been dropping quickly.  The Yankees and the Rays are just too good this year.  David Price looks like a Cy Young winner, and if BJ Upton or Carlos Pena heat up at the end of the season, the Rays are going to be fearsome.  The great Carl Crawford, in a contract year, wants a ring -- and then he wants to get paid, baby.

Alex Speier of WEEI has written about the $20 million in salary and the roughly 1000 player/games lost to injuries to the Red Sox this year.  The gap right there would cost you about 10 games.  Say what you will about losing Cameron, Martinez, Buchholz, Beckett, and Varitek here and there, it's the loss of Pedroia and Youkilis -- All-Star caliber players as well as past and likely future MVPs -- that has hurt the most.  Statistics aside, as well, both Petie and Youk are home-grown guys who personify the Red Sox Way -- be a strong and steady all around, hard-nosed player who grinds it out every at bat.  But I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said before.

2011 Closer: Daniel Bard

So where do you go from here? To 2011. I suspect that the Red Sox are about ready to trade Jonathan Papelbon, who likely will go into an arbitration process that will result in a one-year contract for $10 million.  I say, trade Paps early, make Daniel Bard the closer (at $415, 500), and spend the difference on getting some arms from the 40 or so middle relievers hitting the market.  I believe the team will re-sign David Ortiz, but it isn't going to be pretty, and Papi isn't going to get the money or the years he wants.  If Adrian Beltre makes 640 plate appearances this season, the Red Sox option for $10 million kicks in for 2011.  Free agent Victor Martinez may go, but the Sox have Jarrod Saltalamacchia in the fold, and, at 25 years old, he still may be coming into his own.  Presumably, with players healthy and a little money thrown at a fourth outfielder, a catcher, and the bullpen, the Red Sox should have the means to get their win total into the high 90s again.


Here's my lineup card, so to speak, for 2011:
     C - Saltalamacchia
     1B - Youkilis
     2B - Pedroia
     SS - Scutaro
     3B - Beltre
     LF - Ellsbury
     CF - Kalish
     RF - Drew
   Starting Rotation: Lester, Buchholz, Beckett, Lackey, Matsusaka
   Closer: Daniel Bard


Half the team is made up of products of the Red Sox player development.  If it works out that way, I think that's always an encouraging sign.  As for the rest of the season, I'm putting my money on the Rays.

Barcalounge Skipper - Big Fan

You know how Netflix makes those recommendations, but you never really believe that you're going to like the movies suggested to you? The Blind Side starring Sandra Bullock? Really, Netlfix?

But one film in particular had been stalking me from week to week on Netflix, last year's Big Fan, directed by Robert D. Siegel and starring Patton Oswalt. Now, Oswalt is an extremely funny comic, so I expected a funnier film than what I got from Big Fan, but I was far from disappointed.

Oswalt's character, Paul, is an obsessed New York Giants fan who spends most of his time listening to sports talk radio, waiting to hear the latest challenge from his archnemesis, Philadelphia Phil, a trash-talking Eagles fan played by Michael Rappaport.  Paul is in his mid 30s, works as a parking garage attendant, takes public transportation each day home to where he lives with his mother.  He waits on hold for hours most nights just to have his one minute of sports talk radio glory, when he can praise the Giants and, in particular his favorite player, linebacker Quantrell "QB" Bishop.  Paul even has a poster of QB hanging over his bed, and the homoerotic subtext is clear enough.  Big fan? When the Giants play at home, Paul and his buddy Sal (Kevin Corrigan) drive their crummy car to the parking lot of the stadium and watch the game on a portable TV perched on the trunk.  Paul's traditional Italian-American family want him to grow up and get a life.

One night, when a chance encounter with QB leads Paul and Sal to follow the Giant into a Manhattan strip club, Paul tries to approach the football star, but ends up being beaten by his idol.  Paul ends up in the hospital, QB ends up suspended pending further investigation, and Big Fan only gets more twisted from there.

This film has a few funny moments -- more funny odd than anything else -- but it's really just endlessly creepy, sad, and truly fascinating.  Oswalt gives a surprisingly subtle and effective performance, and the movie has one of the truly great penultimate scenes I can remember.  The final confrontation between Paul and the detested Philadelphia Phil is both excruciating and exhilarating.  Big Fan is the Taxi Driver of sports movies.

Barcalounge Skipper - Buck Up

"Good game, good game. I'm buying the candy corn!"

     Here come the Baltimore Orioles.  It's about time.
     Although the O's aren't likely to avoid their 13th straight losing season, they now have the -- can I say it -- underrated Buck Showalter managing the team.  Since taking over the directionless, listless Orioles a few weeks ago, Baltimore's boys of summer have gone 11-7 and appear to have a new sense of purpose.  Credit Showalter for turning around the team's attitude, as was clearly evident in Buck's disgusted and dismissive remarks about the Oriole's goofy orange uniforms, worn during a game against the Rays last weekend.
     "Someone said it looked like Halloween candy corn," Showalter said via the AP. "Take a picture. You won't see them again."
     He's right.  Candy corn sucks. Now, it seems, the Oriole's don't.
     If baseball has a modern-day turnaround artist, it's Showalter.  Having previously taken change of three foundering franchises -- the Yankees of 1992-95, the Diamondbacks of 1998-2000, and the Rangers of 2003-2006 -- Big Show has always had a big impact.  Season by season, here's the composite record and winning percentages for all three teams, year by year:


Year One 212-274 (.436)
Year Two 277-209 (.569)
Year Three 234-203 (.535)
Year Four 159-147 (.519)


     Showalter won Manager of the Year twice, in 1994 and in 2004. And he built the Yankees into the franchise that won Joe Torre four championships, as well as the team that beat the Yankees in 2001, Bob Brenly's Diamondbacks.  Since Showalter left the Rangers four years ago, that team has been a winning franchise, certainly better than it was before he got there.
     Buck is the kind of coach I think I'd like running my team, and Oriole's president Andy McPhail certainly sees it that way.  Prepared, focusing on fundamentals and preparation, Showalter should help turn around a historically great franchise in a truly great baseball town.  Baltimore deserves a great team, and it should be coming sooner than anyone suspects.
     And I have to like a guy who has nothing but disdain for Throwback Uniform Night.